Shame on You, Mr. Hasselhoff!

As everyone knows, twenty years ago today legendary pop singer/television icon David Hasselhoff took a pickaxe to the crumbling facade of communism and single-handedly tore down the Berlin Wall. Answering the call unheeded by Mikhail Gorbachev, David Hasselhoff had the unique vision to realize that the age of Soviet domination in Eastern Europe was coming to an end, and that East Germans, as well as Poles, Romanians, and Czech-o-Slovaks(?) longed for true freedom. The kind of real liberty which would enable them to one day own color television sets and watch tanned lifeguards in red bathing suits running in slow motion upon the beaches of sunny California. But I say, Baywatch be damned! Shame upon you, Herr Hasselhoff. As we all know far too well, the end of communism in Eastern Europe marked the end of one of the greatest eras in all of human history--the era of the East German female athlete.

Never again would we gaze upon the muscled magnificence of the East German (fe)male athlete engaged in rigorous competition on the world stage. No more could we in the West stare with envy at the mysterious bulges in the shorts of these sporting (wo)men and wonder why our pitiful girly-athletes lacked such, um, presence. No more. So I say shame upon you, David Hasselhoff. I hope you're happy.