Parenting 101 by Michael Jordan

Growing up a Detroit Pistons fan in the "Bad Boys" back-to-back championships era, hatred of Michael Jordan came as natural to me as sporting a sweet handlebar mustache came to James Edwards. I vividly recall my mild-mannered father yelling at the TV as the refs (yet again) gave a bogus call in favor of Jordan. I also remember getting into bitter arguments in the fourth grade with my classmates who it seemed believed the great Air Jordan was the be all and end all of professional basketball. "He's not that good," I would retort. "He's a big baby and you can't come within 10 feet of him without getting a foul called on you." In time, and with the wisdom that comes with old age, I came to realize that yeah, the dude is probably one of the best players of all time, but that has done nothing to alleviate my ire.

Fortunately for me, and Jordan-haters everywhere, the man has managed to provide enough fodder over the years to keep the flames burning--be it his lame-tastic stint as a minor league baseball player, his firing as president of basketball operations for the Washington Wizards, or his Oscar-worthy performance alongside the Looney Tunes in the cinematic masterpiece Space Jam. Until quite recently, Mr. Jordan has managed to stay out of the media spotlight. One is most likely to see only brief glimpses of him somewhere on a pristine golf course, surrounded by security guards (seriously, Mike?), ever-present stogie protruding from his mouth. And then, in September of this year, Jordan was elected to the Basketball Hall of Fame, and gave an acceptance speech which served to confirm the beliefs of us haters and reveal his true nature to those who still clung blindly to the myth of Michael Jordan.

In the course of his hall of fame acceptance speech, Jordan managed to pull cheap shots at anyone who happened to piss him off during his years in the NBA, including Isiah Thomas (no surprise there), Magic Johnson, and Byron Russell, among others. For a man who has enjoyed more professional and commercial success than almost any other athlete in history, he sure has been lugging around a lot of baggage all these years. Oh, but it gets worse. In the course of his speech he also took time to show his fatherly side, turning to his children--two sons and a daughter--and saying,"You guys have a heavy burden. I wouldn't want to be you guys." (Or, see Katie's translation: "Good luck living up to my fucking legendary awesomeness. You failures.") What a great dad. Way to be supportive, Mike. We all know your children are highly unlikely to even remotely approach the level of success that you have achieved, but you don't have to be a dick and rub it in.

Most recently, Jordan's son Marcus, a freshman basketball player at the University of Central Florida, cost the school's athletic department its $3 million contract with Adidas by refusing to wear the company's shoes and instead donning a pair of white Nike Air Jordans. Or should I say Michael Jordan cost the school it's deal? For a non-elite school like UCF, this kind of contract is vital, and the move effects all of the school's athletic programs, not just basketball. The whole fiasco shows that for Michael Jordan his personal endorsement deals matter more than allowing his son to succeed or fail on his own terms and to function as a member of a TEAM. The younger Jordan undoubtedly felt the pressure of dad's authority (and dad's money), and surely had no chance to make any sort of decision for himself. So, not only has his father already labeled him a failure before he has even had a chance to prove himself (sure, he will probably fail anyway, but still...), but he has taken the selfish step of inserting the Michael Jordan legacy and brand Jordan into the collegiate arena which should (presumably) be free of such considerations.

In summary, 1.)I hate Michael Jordan, 2.)he's a corporate whore who cares only about money and his own image, and 3.)he's kind of a shitty dad.